I'm Not Ok, And That's Ok

Society is a problem that needs to be eradicated.

I'll say it over and over until people get it.

I'm not saying to go out and kill people. No. I'm talking about how society needs to change its mentality from being toxic to being more accepting.

"What are you talking about, weird girl?"

I'm referring to its toxicity.

Society hates those that are different.

Society is all about casting others out whom it deems strange and abnormal. It cannot stand those who are different because that would mean the problem lies with it, therefore needing to change. And it can't have that now, can it?

It has a "One of us! One of us!" mentality.

Even on social media, we only see posts of people pretending to be happy, when in reality, they're not. I'm not saying they're all miserable, but some feel like if they show others how great their life is, then it would somehow come true.

Why? Because they feel like if they show others how miserable they actually are, people wouldn't want to be around them anymore.

We need to change that way of thinking. It's beyond toxic. We're teaching others that they're not allowed to be depressed because it might "make others feel bad."

"You're depressed? Just go outside!"

"You can't be that depressed." (My own family member had the gall to say that to my face. I didn't lose my cool, don't worry.)

I'm not ok, and that's ok.

I'm tired of pretending that everything is fine, that my life is so great. It's not. I'm not gonna list out all my problems, but to sum it up: I feel like I'm getting nowhere. All this work for over a year and nothing to show for it. I'm so lost, and I don't know what to do.

It's frustrating, and I'm ashamed because of it.

It's embarrassing to have your family ask over and over for updates on your life, and you're forced to repeat the same answers again. You're trying — you really are — but to see no progress makes you feel bad, like you're doing something wrong.

If you feel that way, you're not alone.

I lost all motivation to do the things I once loved, adding to my shame. I've experienced depression before, so I knew what was up. I started therapy again and it's really helped. However, it's costly, and with this god-awful economy, it's just adding to my stress surrounding money.

Absolutely terrible, and I feel bad for those who are suffering, especially my own family.

I began to see a new psychiatrist and was prescribed Zoloft, an antidepressant, to raise serotonin levels. Unfortunately, it only made my mood worse — a lot worse. Can't risk taking it anymore.

God dammit. Now I have to wait till tomorrow (Monday) to call the place up to get something else — a magical pill that will fix all my problems.

Look, I just want the energy to do things again. That's all. Let me have hope again. Let me do things that will pay off in the long run. That's all.

See? If society had its way, it wouldn't want me to complain about these things. It wants to close its eyes, cover its ears, and say, "LA LA LA! WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? EVERYTHING IS GREAT! LA LA LA!"

It doesn't want people to talk about their mental health challenges. It wants to impose impossible expectations onto people that are so strict, only a god could live up to them.

"You can only be happy. You are not allowed to be sad at all. You have to have the perfect career, perfect partner, perfect family, perfect house, perfect friends, perfect looks, perfect everything."

Are you kidding me? Is this a joke? No wonder people collapse under pressure. This is insane.

Look, don't listen to society. It's garbage. You don't have to suffer alone. It's ok that you don't have everything figured out. I recommend seeking out a therapist either in-network or out and talk about your problems. It's so much better than dwelling in your room with only negative thoughts to keep you company. You might as well seek out help. After all, it can only help you, not harm.

Anyway, I bought dopamine supplements to see if what I really need is to increase my dopamine levels, not serotonin. Idk. I'm trying here. You can't say that I'm not, because I am. I'm trying so hard to feel better, you have no idea.

Good luck to you.